when i was a teenager i was sad

trying to fit into pants a small child would wear

looking, but not touching

modeling myself off the holocaust

even though i know i was "blessed" with big hips

and my breasts were not made for a training bra

full-figured and fabulous?

hour glass or pear?

now as a twenty something

i find myself in a somewhat state

of dilemma (or denial)

trying on clothes

but only buying shoes and handbags

until i can buy those pants the same size

as the ones i kept in my drawer

(as a promise to myself)

i have a new found love for divine culinary experiences

fine dining

wine

cheese

and good beers

but to look good/ too skinny,

eat cheese and drink 9% beers

ha!

my metabolism is laughing

because exercise is not as much fun

as being lazy and drunk,

eating junk food

and convincing myself

that i'll start

"dieting"

tomorrow.

***

today.

i will allow myself to be "fat",

i was skinny all my life

now it's time

i lived a little!